How to Leave a Message

Before placing your call, be sure that children are duly occupied and secure so as not to be a distraction. Check. Place call to Piano Tuner and listen carefully to 2 minute long prerecorded message featuring references to skills and extensive professional training. Followed quickly by a number where he can be reached and a beep. While writing number down, make sure 19 month old aspiring musician has access to small wooden recorder and is tooting joyfully at your feet. Miss hearing last two numbers. Sigh exasperatingly and hang up.

Place call again, listen with slightly less interest to prerecorded message and with much more intent to the phone number where he can be reached. While listening intently, have 19 month old tweeting and tooting with renewed gusto JUST as last number is spoken, and groan with even greater exasperation. Hang up and note that child has stopped tooting and is busily entertaining himself with a nice quiet book. Chuf at the irony.

Place call yet again. Listen, and recite in time, outgoing message. Squeeze head painfully between palm and phone as phone number is read for the third time. Write number triumphantly and with exclamatory "HA!", wait for beep to leave message.

BEEP! Begin leaving message of introduction as 19 month old rediscovers wooden instrument and happily toots ode to joy while running at your legs for a tackle. Twist free of tooting toddler while explaining where you heard of tuner's services and add resounding bark of basset who has also had her fill of kinder music for the day. To oddly melodic and well timed tooting and barking, add energetic grab of dishtowel from sink to toss in general direction of dog. Make sure dishtowel is unexpectedly soaking wet and fling water all over self and kitchen in the process.

Keep leaving message through gritted teeth and impending laughter at dog's startled silence and immediate commencement of barking. For grand finale, have wildly tooting toddler discover that he is sorely lacking in the percussion department and grab nearest kitchen cabinet door. Have toddler open and slam cabinet in surprisingly rapid succession, while maintaining perfect pitch and volume on wooden instrument. Dog must still be barking to create a cacophony unrivaled by a Metallica concert.

Stop and restart message repeatedly, stifling laughter and ending in rapid recitation of own phone number. All of this while grabbing for wooden instrument and door handle as toddler screams and runs away wailing in protest.

Hang up phone. Stand with mouth agape and wonder if piano really needs to be tuned... because he probably won't be calling back.

AM Dialogue With a 7 Year Old Who Knows Everything

Mommy: (Stumbling bleary-eyed towards the coffee machine) Good morning Pooky bear, Mommy overslept. Can you go get dressed while I make you breakfast?

Noah: (Twirling clumsily falls into kitchen bar stool) Ouch! Mom can I play Wii?

Mommy: (Fumbling uselessly with the coffee maker) Noah, please go get dressed honey, I don't want you to be late for school.

Noah: Mumbles something as he skips and careens through the hallway to his room.

5 Minutes later...

Mommy: (Willing coffee to brew faster, slapping sandwich together. Feeling like a scene in some movie I can't remember where Mom makes sandwiches badly, shoves in brown paper bag, sprinkles in skittles, balls up bag and hands to startled child.) Noah! Are you dressed?

Noah: Silence...

Mommy: (Sliding cheese toast across the counter) Noah?!

Noah: (Hops down hallway putting on first sock) Still no words.

Mommy: (Rooting through refrigerator for suitable lunch fruit) Noah. Do you have your homework from last night? We need to put it in your folder.

Noah: Silence...

Mommy: Noah, where is your spelling word list?

Noah: I don't know.

Mommy: You worked on it at that table over there, please go look for it.

Noah: (Feigning a search, tilts head left and right) I don't know where it is mom.

Mommy: Well keep looking, I need you to put it in your folder.

This pattern repeats for 5 more minutes until...

Noah: (Throwing up his hands in frustration while chewing cheese toast and peering into the trash can for his homework) I can't find it, I think the baby was trying to get it. Maybe he crumpled it up and threw it away. I didn't finish it anyway. Does it matter?

Mommy: Yes it matters! You didn't finish it?? You need to turn it in today for a grade. I thought you finished it! (Mommy rifles through desk papers and produces lined paper and a pencil.) Sit here, finish your breakfast, and write these spelling words in alphabetical order.

Noah: Sigh... Do I have to?

Mommy: Yes!

5 Minutes later

Noah: I'm finished! Can I play Wii?

Mommy: (Changing baby) Put it in your folder Noah. We've got to go.

Noah: I don't know where my back pack is.

Mommy: On the counter, please find it we need to go.

Noah: The folder isn't in the back pack. I don't know where it is.

Mommy: (Finishes dressing baby and comes out to kitchen to find Noah driving matchbox cars along kitchen counter 2 feet from folder.)

Noah: (Matchbox car in one hand, homework in other makes Vrrrrmmmming noises.) I don't know where my folder is mom.

Mommy: (standing with baby on hip looks incredulously at folder and then at child and wonders whether we should see an eye doctor or a shrink.) Really? You can't find it? Noah...find your folder.

Noah: Mom?! I don't KNOW where it is!

Mom: (Gestures with her head towards the counter.)

Noah: Oh.

5 Minutes later in the car...

Noah: Mom? Can I play Wii when I get home today.

Mom: I don't know.

Yellow

Yellow. It used to be one of my favorite colors. I think I still like purpley blue the best, but yellow was a close second. These days yellow has a new connotation.

See, when you're a good little boy in school, you're on "green". I guess green means go, go, go. And that's good because Noah does like to go. Then, if you're a little bit bad, say you accidentally stick your tongue out at someone, or perhaps you accidentally bark like a dog with a friend during class; then you "turn your card" to yellow. Caution, you're on yellow and headed for red.

There used to be an orange, before red, but that is SO first grade. Now we go right from yellow to red baby.

We were pretty familiar with yellow last year. It was a twice, thrice a week occurrence. We were regulars in yellow territory. A little bit bad on a regular basis. I tried bribery, remindery and angry, to no avail. If standardized tests are accurate, so too is the card turning system because Noah did not vary.

This year hopes were high. We have undoubtedly the best 2nd grade teacher in the school; she is WONDERFUL. Noah loves her, we love her, things have been going well.

Last week one yellow creeped in, this week, two days in a row. Today? I'm already feeling like it's a yellow day for some reason and I haven't even picked him up from school. I'm trying not to overreact. Maybe it just a fluke. Would it be better NOT to say anything about it? I mean who didn't stick their tongue out at a friend in 2nd grade every day? Or bark for that matter. I'm sure I barked during the occasional spelling test.

It's the teachers way of controlling behavior and reminding. Not mine. Maybe I should stay out of it unless it's red. I just don't know.

What I do know? I really don't like yellow anymore. I think I'll just stick to asking him how he did on his spelling test today. Ignorance is bliss.

Goldfish and Elmo

I was wondering this morning as I checked email, what would I do without Elmo? That precious 20 minutes that allows me to check news headlines, start laundry, sip instead of gulp my coffee and generally give me the only 20 minutes of peace and solitude outside of nap time in a day.

Then later, right now actually, I realized that there is another little gem in my arsenal...Goldfish crackers. A baked, cheesy, crunchy, semi-non guilt producing snack that can be toted anywhere. Ahh Goldfish crackers and Elmo, it's the little things in life.